Sometimes restaurants slightly miss the target, like a striker squirting it wide when one on one with the keeper they slightly bugger it up. This can amount to a dodgy bit of service, a cold bowl of soup or a chewy piece of steak, and as a punter we end up being slightly miffed but not overly suicidal about the whole experience as long as it's handled well. Maybe he'll find the onion bag next time we think, and besides he seems like a nice fella and he does try his best. Other times though, it's an open goal miss followed by the striker head butting the linesman and getting himself sent off. In these circumstances no amount of handwringing can make things right. Not only do you not want a "free" dessert, but quite frankly you'd rather stick wasps up your arse than even contemplate it.
Thankfully such experiences are rare, but we had one the other night. The Blue Elephant is over by Imperial wharf. It's a Thai restaurant that used to be in Fulham Road and it carries with it a reputation which is historically good but in recent years more of a "top-table 50% off" sort of place. It's nice when you go in, they've messed around with the awful modernistic frontage and interior of what is essentially a brick shell and made it look like a posh version of the log flume at Chessington world of adventures. The menu promises much too in terms of how expensive it is and how it reads. "Free range chicken green curry" reads beautifully, and at twenty three quid a pop (rice extra) must be pretty good you'd think wouldn't you?
Well, you'd be wrong. Similarly you'd be wrong to assume the "taster" menu would include freshly prepared dishes. You'd be wrong if you thought the mousse fois gras thing would be freshly put onto a spoon to be served and not left in the fridge beforehand to develop a congealed skin which made it resemble a camels left gonad (I'm guessing there but you get the picture). I'm going to hazard another guess that the camels left knacker would taste better too, but I have no intention of either proving or disproving the theory one way or the other. Also on the taster menu was some rice wrapped in a banana leaf (traditional style) which was thoroughly unpleasant, some crab which tasted like nothing I have ever tasted before nor want to again, and some soup (which to be fair was at least edible). There were four of us at the table, one lady had spring rolls to start which were pretty good, she had ribs for a main which was a surprising choice both for her and the menu and they were just about OK for flavour. I couldn't help reflect though that So chewy were they that I could give Bonnie the scary pub dog a couple to gnaw on you wouldn't hear a peep out of her for an hour or so. @NZSezGB had sweet potato dim sum which she said tasted like "congealed wallpaper paste". I had a taste and I'll take some convincing that wasn't exactly what it was. She also had beef in oyster sauce. It looked like someone had got a bit of sandwich steak and braised it for a few hours in gravy until it went grey. If only it had tasted as good as that, oh dear.
We did point out our problems to the manager and in fairness she was very nice. She offered us desserts, coffees or a free drink, and when we assured her that wasn't why we were bringing up the problems she did take everything off the menu that I'd mentioned during the conversation. Even then though the bill was 160 quid, which considering I had a bite of someones spring roll and a rib which I'm still trying to get out from between my teeth to this day, seemed a bit steep. Naturally there was a service charge on there as well, and I can only assume this must be for the nice young fella who assured me that he'd "told the chef, in order to ensure it never happens again" when I first pointed out that I was in severe danger of dying of food poisoning before the night was out. At least I could be assured that my death wasn't in vain, and that others would benefit from my imminent demise.
There seemed little for it but to go to the Ship and have a few beers. Life is too short to worry about strikers who miss open goals or get sent off, just as it's too short to worry about restaurants as bad as this one. Unless this was an extreme off night they'll surely go out of business very soon, and justice will be done. Don't go, if you fancy Thai go somewhere that does really good food, there's lots of places. This though isn't one of them, avoid at all costs.
